It’s funny how different weeks have different themes.
This week has been all about not speaking our truth because we’re afraid of hurting someone’s feelings.
Annie said yes to a lunch date she really didn’t want to accept.
Mary made a promise she really doesn’t want to keep.
I sort of said I’d refer clients to a practitioner I know I won’t refer to.
Why do we do it?
We think it’s being some version of ‘not nice’ if we don’t.
And we women, as young girls, we were all taught to be nice.
We were taught not to be mean, or hurt other people’s feelings.
Here’s what I want to teach you.
You can’t hurt other people’s feelings.
That is their privilege, and theirs only.
Hear me on this one.
NOTHING you can do can hurt someone’s feelings.
You can try to hurt their feelings, and you can intend to.
But you have no power over whether you succeed or not.
And the opposite is also true.
You can want to not hurt their feelings,
And you can try to do what you think will achieve this goal,
But you have no power over whether you succeed or not.
How do I know this?
Because our feelings are a direct result of our thoughts.
Try this.
Think of someone you love a lot.
How do you feel now? I’m guessing pretty warm and fuzzy.
Now think of someone who really irritates you.
You feeling it?
See – you just switched your feelings without those two people having to do anything at all.
You caused yourself to feel pain, and you caused yourself to feel love.
You’re the only one who can cause yourself to feel any and every emotion.
You may want to argue with me, and say that the only reason you feel love is that that person is so loving towards you.
I understand. It makes sense to you to love them, so you do.
But what I want to show you is that the reason it makes sense to you,
Is that you think that they are a lovable person.
It’s possible that that person you love is really irritating to someone else.
Because they don’t think that those qualities you love are lovable at all.
Here’s how I know it’s true.
Think about your “Lovable Person”.
Does everyone in the entire world love her in the same way you do?
Or even everyone who knows her?
I’m guessing not.
We all elicit different emotions from different people.
Why is that?
If your feelings for me were a result of how I behave,
Then everyone would have the exact same feeling about me,
Because I’m the constant.
So what’s the variable?
Our thoughts (perspectives, interpretation, judgements),
based on our programming and experiences.
You with me?
OK.
So then.
If you say no to lunch because you don’t want to go.
Some people will have hurt feelings, and some won’t.
I personally would prefer it. I will have grateful feelings.
I don’t want you to pretend to be my friend – I would actually find that quite hurtful.
So if she did feel hurt because you told her you didn’t want to do lunch,
It wouldn’t be because of what you said.
It would be because of what she said to herself about what you said.
“She doesn’t like me. I’m not likeable. I’m a loser. No one wants to hang out with me”
If I didn’t feel hurt, it would because I’m thinking
“We’re not meant to be friends. Sometimes that’s what happens. Good to know.”
When you’re deciding whether to do something you don’t want to do for fear of hurting someone’s feeling, I offer you this:
You can’t hurt anyone’s feelings without their consent.
Now, they may not know this, and they may think you hurt their feelings,
But I’m hoping I’ve shown you that really, the only person who can hurt their feelings is themselves, with the interpretation they choose to give your refusal.
So…. what else would you rather be doing?
What joy and true loving friendship will you create?
What promises will you make wholeheartedly and with great conviction?
I promise you, that if you decide to focus on your feelings, and focus on not hurting yourself with your thoughts, you will unburden yourself of so much complication and worry about something you really have no control of.