I had the pleasure of taking my daughter out for lunch to celebrate her fourteenth birthday this week.
A group of politicians were planning their strategy for our upcoming provincial election next to us.
I shared some strong political opinions with my daughter, who told me I should get involved.
We both laughed.
“Oh yes”, she said, “you don’t like people”.
It’s a running joke in our family, that ‘Mommy doesn’t like people’.
We use it as an excuse for so many things, which is funny, because I love so many people, and my life’s work is all about people.
But I keep this self-imposed label as a protection against unwanted interactions, and I’ve become curious about why that is.
I started noticing how many times I raise my ‘shield’ in public, as if I need to protect myself from ‘people’.
I’m fortunate to live in a safe place, so it’s not physical protection.
What is it then?
I was surprised to learn, recently, that Empathy is one of my top five strengths, and I think that my ‘people hating persona’ has been a misguided attempt to protect my heart from too much caring.
But I’m thinking there’s a better way – what if I could love people and not get bogged down in empathy?
I tried it today while walking to my gate (I’m off to Dallas to train 120 life coaches with The Life Coach School).
The couple in front of me on the jetbridge were people I would have judged in the past, and made sure not to make any eye contact with.
(I won’t go into details of how I judge because that’s not interesting at all, being completely random and unproven.)
She was joking to him about the long hallway, and how fancy it was and how important she felt.
Next thing she turned around and brought me into the fun.
For the first time, I just hammed it up with her.
“Right!!! Except the carpet should be red. And there should be cameras popping”
And then she pretended to pose and wave them away.
And we laughed.
And then they sat down at their seats, we said ‘have a good flight’, shared one more smile, and I went on to mine.
This may not seem like a big deal to you at all, because you’re probably a very nice person who ‘likes people’.
But honestly, for me, it was quite freeing.
I engaged, had fun, even looked them in the eye, and they didn’t need a thing from me.
It took nothing away from my heart.
In fact, it filled my heart a bit, because it was fun and warm and sort-of-but-not-really funny.
How often do we create labels and assertions about ourselves, that cause us to develop behaviour patterns that aren’t us in our best light, without ever assessing or reflecting on them?
As a child growing up in apartheid South Africa, I remember being acutely aware of all the pain and suffering, and thinking I needed to harden myself against people, and avoid engaging as much as possible, in order to save myself from their suffering.
I didn’t know, then, that my suffering is caused by my thoughts.
It’s not even caused by my own situation, never mind someone else’s.
So now I’m wondering – what if it’s possible to open my heart, and know that I can take care of my heart at the same time?
How much fun that would be.
This is what it’s like inside my head, my friend.
A simple comment from my lovely daughter takes me on a whole journey down the craziness in my mind.
So glad you’re here to share it with me.
Email me and tell me what unexamined habits of mind you’re wanting to uncover and possibly shift right now – help me see I’m not the only one out there 😉