Before we discuss blaming, I wanted to invite you to my free webinar, where I’ll teach you Seven Ways to Stop a Binge. I got so many responses to my last blog, where I described one episode of how I avoided overeating, and I want to teach you how to do it too. Sign up here.
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Are you desperate to lose weight without dieting?
If so, let’s talk about blaming.
My clients are doing a lot of blaming lately.
Wives blaming husbands for their dissatisfaction.
Sisters blaming brothers for their financial predicaments.
Clients blaming doctors for time wasted.
Consultants blaming secretaries for a hostile work environment.
I like to categorize emotions according to whether they are useful to us or not.
This is a very useful skill in our lives, and if you’re desperate to lose weight without dieting, it is an essential skill.
Most of us think that our emotions just happen to us, and so we simply have to deal with them the best way we can.
But I know that we are much more powerful than this.
I believe that we get to choose our emotions, once we become aware of the thoughts that we are allowing to roll around our brains all day long.
Not convinced?
Try this:
Think about someone you believe has caused you harm.
Think about what they did to you.
How do you feel? In your body?
I’m guessing not great. Blame usually makes people feel tight inside, red hot, maybe a bit nauseous, and stuck somewhere in their body.
via GIPHY
Now, think about someone you love who has been so good to you.
How do you feel? In your body?
I’m guessing you feel lighter, softer, and looser.
There. You did it.
You created 2 different emotions, by deliberately choosing 2 different thoughts.
That’s how it works. Every time.
I’m not saying you should deny what they did.
And I know that you can find ways of thinking about what they did that feel better to you, if you want to. But that usually requires some individual coaching to help you get there.
But right now, you can feel better.
Your power lies in choosing where to put your focus.
You can think all day about the bastard who wronged you, or the angel who loves you.
Both are true for you.
And you will have a very different day, depending which you choose to think about.
So, now that I’ve convinced you that you can choose how you want to feel (right?),
Let’s talk about blame.
I don’t think blame is a useful emotion.
I think blaming destructive because it makes us feel powerless.
If he caused my problem, then I have to rely on him to fix it.
And here’s what emotional eaters do when they feel powerless. They eat.
To numb the weakness that’s so uncomfortable in their body.
Moreover, here’s what emotional eaters do when they’re blaming. They eat.
To numb their anger and tightness that’s so uncomfortable in their body.
I want to invite you to do something, and I want to warn you that you may resist the idea at first, but I encourage you to trust me and try it.
Take full responsibility for what happened.
I have no money because I wasn’t paying attention to what my brother was doing.
I’m not creating passion and excitement in my marriage and my life.
I allowed her to dictate the quality of our relationship.
I wasted the morning because I didn’t bring anything to do while I was waiting for my doctor to see me, even though he’s always late.
(I’m actually writing this blog as I wait for my blood pressure specialist to see me – I always wait 1.5 hours for him, and I never blame him – it isn’t useful to me – I bring my laptop, and I actually see it as a very positive island of creativity in my day – there’s no wifi to distract me so I’m super productive!)
Initially, you may resist this idea.
We think we like to be right.
But feel this in your body again.
How does ‘right’ or ‘self-righteous’ feel?
Usually, it feels tight. Inflexible. Rigid.
Not the most comfortable feelings.
And what do emotional eaters do when they feel uncomfortable?
That’s right. Eat.
So being right may not be serving you.
Now, let’s say you are willing to entertain the idea that you are responsible for your financial predicament.
What’s the good news?
You get to change it.
You get to make sure it doesn’t happen again.
You get to be in charge – of how you feel and how your finances turn out.
Now, how does that feel?
It may feel a bit scary to you, because with responsibility comes… well, responsiblity.
But as an adult, that’s where all your power lies.
Once you take responsibility, then you get to decide.
You get to decide what happens next in your life.
So, I’ve been talking a lot about your power and finding your powerful in this blog.
Here’s why.
What do emotional eaters do when they feel powerful? They go out into the world and create their life. Eating? Well, yes, to fuel themselves as they create their destinies. But not to feel better.
Because powerful feels pretty fantastic.