I want to talk to you about the weight of shame, when we hide it inside our bodies.

As you know, I help women recover from emotional eating.

When we use food to avoid our emotions, we eat more than our bodies need, and so we end up heavier than we believe is optimal for living our lives fully and actively.
Learning how to be with your emotions and honour them, without reacting to them, is magically freeing, on a soul level as well as a physical level.

Still, sometimes it’s so hard.
I’ve been practicing for about 7 years, and when it’s easy it’s easy.
So many emotions, that I hid behind food for much of my life,  can now be noted, felt, and observed as they enter and exit me, without causing any harm or need to do anything but stay.

But the past few weeks I’ve been hiding.
Shame.
My husband and I dealt with a difficult situation four years ago,
And I navigated my multiple extreme emotions by allowing them, even though they hurt terribly.
What made it possible, other than a strong commitment to stay connected and present, was a close tribe, with whom I shared everything, and that kept me grounded.
We resolved the situation, and recovered, and life has been brighter, louder, and bigger since.

But you know what, my emotions resurfaced a few weeks ago.
Anger. Blame. Worry. Doubt.
All back.
With lots of story in my mind.
Incessant and repetitive.
Anger. Blame. Worry. Doubt.
And I didn’t talk to anyone about it.
So the story, the blame, the anger, kept looping in my mind.

I watched it happen.
I knew it wasn’t necessary. The angerblameworryanddoubt.
I knew they were simply a result of all the stories I kept repeating in my mind.
And yet, I couldn’t seem to remember how or what to do about it.

Every day, I would wake up and decide that today I would be love and light and compassion.
I would remind myself why I wanted to do so, and then, by afternoon, when my reserves were low, I reverted to angerblameworryanddoubt.
And food.
And Netflix.
Those are my medicators.
I don’t use them when I’m connected, but they’re always there when I want them.
I’ve been so curious about why I’m holding onto these unnecessary and destructive emotions, and today I figured it out.

Shame.

I told myself that I was supposed to be over this.
“It’s been four years.”
“We did our hard work.”
“We recovered.”
“We’re a success story.”
“People are proud of us.”
“How can I admit I’m not over it?”

“What will they think of me – a coach – who’s inner life is messy and uncontrollable?”

So I hid in food and Netflix, and this created the perfect conditions for shame to fester.

Brene Brown teaches us that shame requires secrecy to survive.
Shame can’t live when we bring it out into the light, and it’s met with compassion.

Today, I went walking with a good friend, who has walked the entire four years with me, and I t0ld her. I told her all of it. We were rushed, because of course I waited until we had to leave to blurt it out, but you know what, I feel lighter already.

She told me what I know – that grief and loss and mourning happen in the order and timing that they happen. And she called me after to say I can talk to her about it forever.

And now all I want to do is cry.

I can process the sick feeling in my stomach.
I can process my sadness and regret.
I can notice the questions I’m asking myself.
And I can hold the space for myself with compassion and love.

And, now that I”m being real with myself, imaginary worlds on the Netflix screen hold no appeal, and fake foods made with poisonous substances seem irrelevant.

My shame weighs ten pounds.
That’s what I gained over this summer.
I don’t regret it and I’m not ashamed of it at all.
I’ve learned some more about myself.
Shame weighs very heavily on me.
And I will always be prone to hiding my emotions in food.
An essential reminder of the importance of a daily practice of connection and stillness.

If you suspect that shame is weighing heavily on you
Please.
Call someone and tell them. Make sure it’s someone who will listen with compassion.
Call me and tell me. I promise to listen with  love.
It’s how we release shame.
It’s how we begin to release the weight of shame.